Musings of a Baby Feminist

Another old blog post from when I didn’t have the clarity I have now. I thought I was important to include because I go on a rant about loving yourself and being a goddess…

I try not to get depressed or fall into a deep fuzzy funk. I don’t have to try that everyday thank God; It’s just sometimes I need to stop and feel what I feel. Today, I feel slightly fuzzy, which is the feeling I get when I start to fall into a funk or overwhelmed. Sometimes a little of both… Today I feel scared I don’t want to turn bitter. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll let this whole ordeal turn me into something I know I’m not. Like a nonbeliever of love. I find myself surrounded by people who are in love. And then there is me. Trying to love myself as ferociously as I loved him. I wish these people could understand what I’m saying but then again they are in a completely different place as me. Aspiring to marriage is something I can’t bring myself to want. They’re working towards a goal to be a good housewife and mother. Washing dishes and doing laundry because that’s a woman’s “place”. It hurts me to think that’s how some of my friend’s will end up. In a one sided relationship and revolve their lives around them because that’s what a good wife does. I just want all the women I know to want more for themselves and break free from that “men go here” and “woman go there’ thinking. Now that I’m thinking deeper into it, that may be why I don’t quite mesh with them. I went away to school because I was free to. I’m grateful for my parents being open minded enough to see that it would help me grow as a person. I see that life is more than just barely getting by. Or following your dreams up until you “get chose” then you put all your dreams and goals to the back burner until his dreams/goals are reached. Or you know until he has to reach the next goal. That thought is terrifying. Being stuck somewhere living a life that really and truly DOES NOT just belong to you. You have to share it with at least one other person. I guess that’s the bitter seeping through. Ugh. I would really like to smoke. This couple sitting next to me is just laying here. They’re not even talking what kind of date is this!? Thank you God I’m where I am and not where I used to be. Because stupid and foolish. I want to do something that shows Girls/Women they are worth so much more than these raggedy fuck boys who think doing the absolute least is acceptable. Or that they can do something else besides being someone’s wife or mother. Or just answering to some man who worked half as hard as they did to get a better position. This whole thing with him has opened my eyes in so many ways. That’s why I’m not angry. Sad and confused sometimes but anger doesn’t emerge until I come face to face with him. Or dealing with his fuck boyishness or his own fear. I wish I didn’t come across as so angry. I’m tired of talking about him. I feel as though I only get the urge to write when I have too many emotions about some relationship that didn’t work. I just feel like I have so much love to give like so much! But I’m finally realizing that the person who deserves that love the most is me. Not someone that’ll move on when they’re finished. I’m so much more than that.
I just believe in that so much and I feel that everyone should know that about me whether or not they believe it themselves. I at least want everyone to feel the same way I feel about myself. Powerful. Like I can do anything if I truly want to. I feel like at this very moment is where feel that I’m the freest. I can go where I want, how I want to and with who I want to go with. That’s so much power to me! I feel like a lioness. I feel like a goddess. I feel like a flower. I feel so in touch with everything that’s beautiful. But no one around me understands that. I’m not sure if I really feel like that’s fine or if I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok.

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