A little backround before you read this post:
I wrote this at the beginning of the summer when i was still playing around with this whole blogging thing. i was still in the the space of not wanting to let go. I was sad and really didn’t understand what was going on. But i feel like it’s kind of needed to show my progression. So i will post something after this that better shows the person i am NOW 3 three months later. I feel completely different…..
I sincerely wish that i get this shit out of my head. The fact that five months later this nonsense is
- Not resolved
- Still in my head
- I’m not over it yet
- I’m still mad about it . it’s annoying and bothersome. He probably doesn’t even care. I know he’s pressed but clearly not pressed enough. But wishing gets no one A. DAMN. PLACE. I’ll give it to the paper. I’m sick and tired of thinking about everything that we had and how we felt. It kills me because I know if both of us had a little bit more patience and a little less vanity and stubbornness and most of all PRIDE… then eventually we would have made it. I sincerely saw us making it. But facts are facts and reality is reality. We didn’t make it and we’re not going to. Slowly but surely, the memories we made over Ben and Jerry’s and interconnected genitals will fade. I will forget his favorite color and he will forget the locations of my beauty marks. I will forget the vein in his head that popped out during him concentrating and he’ll forget the way my eyes look in the sun. I’ll find someone else who will listen intently to the poetry of my body and he’ll memorize the curves of someone else’s. And one day I’ll finally be able to not wince when I imagine him kissing the neck of someone else and whispering sweet “I love you’s ” as he burrows himself deeper into someone else’s secrets.
Welp. That was a fake deep moment. I know this is a little bit over dramatic since I’m only 21. But how do you just forget someone you spent 3 years of your life with? How could you possibly ignore someone that you shared so much with? He knew everything about me. I know I’ll move on to someone better and one day I’ll just see this/him as a teaching moment and I’ll wonder why I even spent so much time focused and worried about someone who didn’t reciprocate the feelings back the way I wanted him to. But for now I’m gonna be sad. I’m gonna be miserable. I’m gonna cry in the middle night when I wake up from a dream that felt SO real that I wake up out of breath wondering where the pressure on top of me went. I’m gonna watch sad movies on purpose so I can yell at the screen and imagine the moments where we could have fixed it. I’m gonna bring him up even when my friends are tired of talking about it. I wish we could have talked. I wish you would have listened to me. I wish you would have sat down and worked it out. I wish you weren’t listening to the nonsense that people are telling YOU about ME. Maybe I’ll use this thing to write him a letter. But don’t get it twisted I’m not depressed. I’m NOT NOT out here pining for this nigga like he’s my end and beginning. I know my worth. I know something so much greater is coming for me. I know I AM A QUEEN. It just sucks to have unfinished business. Maybe our business may be finished someday who knows. But for real for real I need to let this go. And I want to so bad. I don’t wanna do that by fucking someone else. I know it won’t work. Casual Sex is not fun at least not for me. I just want to be rid of all this shit . I need to start over I need a change of scenery. I don’t want to not move forward…..actually LEAP FORWARD to the success I know is mine. I know it. I can feel it. It’s literally right around the corner but I’m not entirely sure how to move towards it. I don’t even know how I’m gonna get it. Writing? Cooking? Wine? It literally could be anything. I want to save my future rant for another day but just the mention of anything that may or may not pertain to anything that is gonna lead my down my path I just get excited to the point where I kind of get overwhelmed and even flustered at the thought. WHEW I CANT WAIT!