Thot Chronicles 1 *NSFW*

I was sitting in the middle of a dorm room. Drunk and Sweaty. Pannies wet; wondering if I should just leave now while I had the chance. Why isn’t Tater picking up the phone?! I left her a video message telling her to wake the fuck up and leave the door open just in case.

I should have gone home like I intended at the beginning of the night. Yet here I was recording a video to my friend asking her how do I get out of this one. I wasn’t trapped though. This isn’t THAT KIND of story. I had just come from the club. And I wanted some peen. Some peen that I was thinking about partaking in for about a year, but I was with DR. CAN’T SPEAK. So I ignored “All year for this” (you’ll see why i named him this later) and his advances  but at the same time kept him around just in case. I might want to change my mind or if anything happened where I could fuck him if I was bored. I’m usually not like this, mind you. I’m very relationship minded and have only had one night stand before this and I hated it. But I wasn’t doing anything I would normally do around that time anyway. So now that I was officially single, it was ok right?

Let’s rewind. It was a former coworkers birthday so we went to the club. We ended up flirting all night, dancing with each other; dancing with other people. It actually was a good time. At the end of the night, we were dancing to Body Party by Ciera and when it was over, as I was turning to leave, he kissed me.

You know how in movies there are always little things that warn you about the outcome? A premonition? An Omen? The red flags that I told you before that I NEVER seem to pay attention to? Well that kiss was it.

Just…

But…

I…..

Deep Sigh. It was like kissing a wall. The complete opposite of my worse kiss ever up to that point. My worse first kiss was verrrrry wet. Like sloppy. Tongue everywhere. I felt like I was drowning. This kiss beat out that kiss just from sheer laziness. He had the nerve to just press his lips against mine…HARD. Like this was kindergarten and he wasn’t aware that behind the lips you saw pressed together on T.V, was actually the tongues’ mystical dance to the music of the amount of passion they felt for each other.

Or like he only kissed white girls before this very moment.

WELP. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. But like I said I was drunk and horny and could overlook it. In fact, I went so far as to just do all the work and helped him in finding out with what actually went on behind the lips.

What happened next might have been karma. I came by myself but “All year for this” came with three other people, including a girl, who is very sweet otherwise but was trying very desperately to be a cock block. Maybe she actually liked him. Maybe she had her own plans to get some that night. Maybe this was another RED FLAG THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO! Either way she wouldn’t leave. And the other friends needed a ride. But we were drinking so he said that he wanted to sober up before he took them (us) home. The sweet girl was clinging. She knew he wanted me but decided to try harder anyway. It didn’t work.

FAST FORWARD to me recording the video to my friend. Sweaty weave. Still drunk. Smudged lipstick. I was a mess. But I wanted some peen. SO I waited for him to sign these people out and find them another ride. When he came back, it was like I was in a bad movie. I was sitting on the couch with my legs crossed; he hopped on the couch and me and continued to press into me like…I don’t even know what to compare it to. Nobody presses into anybody like that. There’s no reason for it. But my lady boner was still intact despite the foolishness so I readjusted and did the right thing and started to unzip his jeans.

You know so he wouldn’t be confused as to what this was.

Anyway, he got the hint because my skirt came off and the condom came out (maybe he wasn’t a fuck boy?). When he pulled it out I was surprised because it was smaller than I imagined but still thick Enough. He puts it in. He starts stroking…

Guys

GUYS…..I tried. I really really tried to get into it. But… It. Was. Bad.

The worst I’ve ever had. Matter of fact up until that point I’ve never had an isolated incident of bad sex. The stroke was off. I felt smushed. Trapped. So I turn over and go into doggy style. Even worse. This nigga fell out?! Like he slipped out. I was getting to the point where he HAD to be thinking that this whole ordeal was as bad as I thought.

Oh. Oh no no. This nigga had the nerve. The audacity. The unmitigated gaul to then whisper into my poor ear , “Your shit is so wet The wettest I’ve ever had”

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IF YOU DON’T STOP WITH THESE BOLD ASS LIES SIR! I’m not enjoying this! I know the difference between a dry and extremely wet vagina is. Either you’re lying or really have no clue what an actual wet vagina feels like. I laughed. Outloud. I told him to stop. I told him that this wasn’t how I pictured us having sex would be like. He asked me what I pictured. “Just. Not. This.” I got up to go to the bathroom and give myself a pep talk. I needed to decide what I was going to do. Go home or try to take matters in your own hands. I was still horny. So I walk into his bedroom. I immediately changed my mind when I saw him lying on the bed. I couldn’t do it. As I climbed into his bed contemplating whether or not I was going to escape to my friend Tater’s room or just make him take me home in a few hours. I sat with my legs folded and he promptly grabbed me up and tried to cuddle with me ( I hate being cuddled if it doesn’t involve a sandwich or wings) “ Are you ready for round two?”

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BRUH. There wasn’t a round one. Nobody finished. Neither one of us came. I stopped YOU; let it be clear. I had to escape. Up to now I don’t remember what I said to get out there. But it was lie and I think he knew it. I didn’t want to be mean but there was no way this was ever going to happen again. So I told him that it wasn’t what I expected and maybe we could try again at another time. He said cool and I left to go to Tater’s. Not a half an hour after I leave do you know what I get in my imessages??

“SMH”

Me: Why are you shaking your head?

“I waited all year for this” (THIS RIGHT HERE )

Me: **cackling** Oh well maybe next time

-3 hours later; in Tater’s room laughing about how bad that shit was:

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me: Sure

“ I don’t think I want to do it again. Because of my girlfriend”

Now, just to let you know, I’m not a homewrecker. I’m highly against any homewrecking activities so much so that it was a question I asked him regularly anytime I saw him (so yous a lie not once but twice) But I digress.

Me: Thank God. Lol I didn’t want to anyway… It was wack. (Honestly I wasn’t mad I actually thought it was funny)

Thus began the second most butt hurt rant that had ever darkened the keyboard of my imessages…….

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As you can see, I didn’t care about the outcome. Poor thing was delusional and offended.  Shouts out to you “All year for this” I’m sorry. I should have known better at the terrible kiss and the grammatically incorrect nature of your text messages that your stroke was trash.

Update: I recently got a text from “All year for this” he said ‘imy'( i miss you), i said ‘but why’….no response

Update: He saw this post…that rant beat out this rant for second most butt hurt  

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